When I was at Evergreen on bedrest, Cole was staying with my parents in Colorado (where Cole and I had just temporarily moved until after the baby/ies were healthy). At first, we thought I'd be gone for a couple of days. When it turned into several weeks, we realized we needed to think carefully before deciding where and with whom he'd stay.
It was so painful having to make such a decision in the first place, when all I wanted to do was have him there with me (or me with him!!). And choosing one set of grandparents over another, while not a personal evaluation of their parental abilities, still seemed unfair. When we had to make the decision, it came down to the question of what would be best for Cole, naturally. We decided that, since Charles would be returning to VA to work and wrap up the sale of our house, he would be more likely to be able to visit with Cole if he stayed with Jim & Diane (my in-laws) in Ohio (only about 5 hours away by car).
We started writing up the necessary documentation to grant power of attorney to Charles' parents on the day that Conal & Braychan were born. The plan was for my mom to fly Cole out to Ohio in a couple of weeks, then continue on to VA to pick up the rest of the things I'd need for Cole, baby/ies, and me once we settled in CO again, and drive my car (plus UHaul) to Colorado. In the midst of that plan, the word "plan" lost all meaning to me.
Once Conal passed away, everyone who wasn't there (and needed to be) arrived quickly. They stayed the weekend, and my mom's cousin was generous enough to offer their lovely home (not far from Kirkland/Evergreen) to us for the week while they vacationed. Cole, Mom, and I had a week to ourselves -- for us to spend together, with Braychan as much as we could, to get as much lined up as possible for my living situation (another entry in itself!), and simply to BE.
I know that week was rough, emotionally, for all of us...But all I remember is the sunshine. I don't mean the sky, though it was beautiful that whole week. I mean Cole. That sweet little man and his endless smile and sunshine was what got me through everything. His beauty, humor, energy, and love propelled me through the next 15 weeks, which were to be some of the most challenging I'd ever lived through. But knowing I had a boy like that, who loved me more than anything...I knew I could make it through anything.
Thinking back on it now, I don't remember much about that week, except getting lost A LOT, having a picnic in the park (with some great pictures!) and desperately trying to find a Red Robin for lunch in Bellevue. And getting lost some more. But I do remember specific moments with Cole that I can't even put words to -- all I can say is, those moments are still so dear to me, so ingrained in my body that they have become who I am in many ways. And that's why saying goodbye was so hard.
The day came that Mom and Cole had to leave...I will never forget putting him into his carseat, crying, and he poked his little 17-month-old finger at one of my tears, not really sure what it was. I didn't need to cry as much when he was around, even with the pain of losing Conal. Mom, Cole, and I had spent the last week giggling and smiling despite our grief, which was a miracle for all of us. But now we had to "pop the bubble" and return to the reality that included him being a couple thousand miles away from me for several months.
Even propelled by all my sunshine, it took me a few days to recover after they left.
Cole did very well staying with Jim and Diane, and I know that it means the world to them that he was there. And he *definitely* wasn't spoiled at all. :)
A few weeks after he went to Ohio, Cole (finally, at nearly 18 months) learned to walk on his own. I saw his first steps via cell-phone video, which is definitely better than not at all. I'll still never forget that day, seeing the video, and hitting the nurse call-button because I needed a hug so badly.
Thanks again to my mom's cousin, Brad, and his extreme generosity, I was able to fly to Ohio for a few days, to visit with Cole in mid-September (right after B's PDA ligation). It was hard to leave Braychan, but I knew he was in loving and very qualified hands at Evergreen. And I needed to see Cole so badly it hurt. Before I knew it, I was on a plane headed back to Seattle again.
Once B and I arrived in Denver, Cole was not far behind. Jim and Diane arrived with him less than a week after we were transferred (right around B's final surgery), and I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief I had to have my big boy back in my arms, for good.
He wasn't so sure about this new guy, Braychan, who arrived home about a week after he did...Just a little thing, and he needed so much attention. And that tube! Cole kept tripping on the oxygen tube! Eventually we all adjusted to all the details that came with life in Colorado, and we had our "new normal."
I can't help but wonder how much of this experience (regardless of how much he remembers) shaped who he is today and forever. He is a very securely attached kid, which is a blessing to me. He never forgot who I was, and even if he probably has a little resentment tucked away in his subconscious about the fact that I was gone for about 13 weeks of his life, he truly loves me unconditionally. And the latter is probably just my guilt overwriting his feelings.
These days, he is a bright, kind, silly four-year-old with a lot of opinions. We clash a lot (he's in a "testing" phase...), but we both know that there is nothing that will stop us from loving each other. He is a snuggle monster, and he can't stand anyone wiping his nose despite his insistence upon never blowing his nose. His favorite word is "booger," and he thinks that "garbage" is a bad word so he says it a lot. He loves to show affection, especially for Braychan, whom he still occasionally calls "my baby." Braychan wants to BE Cole. And if he's going to pick anyone to be, I'm pretty sure B couldn't have made a better choice.
